Fun - Humor

More fun: Recipes | Humor

 

How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?

Shoot one.

 

What’s the difference between a dressmaker and a piccolo?

The dressmaker tucks up the frills.

 

What’s the definition of a minor second?

Two flutes playing in unison.

 

What’s worse than having an oboe in an orchestra?

Having two.

 

What’s the difference between an onion and an oboe?

No one cries when you chop up an oboe.

 

What’s the difference between playing an English horn solo and wetting your pants?

Both give you a warm feeling but no one else cares.

 

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get away from the bassoon recital.

 

How do you put down a saxophone?

Call it a bassoon.

 

Why do clarinetists put their cases on their dashboards?

So they can park in handicapped zones.

 

What’s the definition of a nerd?

Someone who owns his own clarinet.

 

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?

Gifted.

 

What’s the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano saxophone?

You can tune the lawnmower.

 

How many alto saxophone players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.

 

How do you make a chainsaw sound like a baritone saxophone?

Add vibrato.

 

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to handle the bulb and the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

 

How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?

Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.

 

How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one but he’ll spend two hours checking the bulb for leaks and alignment problems.

 

What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goal post?

A goal post that can’t march.

 

What’s the definition of a genius?

Someone who knows how to play the trombone but doesn’t.

 

How many bass trombonists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but he does it too loud.

 

What’s the definition of an optimist?

A trombone player with a pager.

 

What’s the difference between a dead trombonist and a dead country singer in the road?

The country singer may have been on his way to a recording session.

 

What’s the range of a tuba?

Twenty yards if you’ve got a good arm.

 

What’s the difference between a 3/4 tuba and a 5/4 tuba?

About five yards.

 

Why do drummers have half an ounce more brains than horses?

So they won’t disgrace themselves in the parade.

 

What do you call someone who hangs around musicians?

A drummer.

 

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

None (they have machines to do that now).

 

How can you tell if a drummer is knocking at your door?

He rushes.

 

What does a timpanist say when he gets to his gig?

“Would you like fries with that, sir?”

 

What did the timpanist get on his IQ test?

Drool.

 

How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?

The bow is moving.

 

What do violinists use for birth control?

Their personalities.

 

How do you make a violin sound like a viola?

Sit in the back and don’t play.

 

How do you know if a viola section is at your front door?

No one knows when to come in.

 

What’s the difference between a violist and a dog?

The dog knows when to stop scratching.

 

What’s the difference between a cello and a viola.

The cello burns longer.

 

What’s the difference between a cello and a coffin?

The coffin has the corpse inside.

 

A bass player we know was so bad that even his section noticed.

 

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to twenty minutes?

So they don’t have to retrain the cellists.

 

Definition of a string quartet: A good violinist, a bad violinist, a would-be violinist and someone who hates violin,

getting together to complain about composers

 

How does a soprano change a light bulb?

She just holds it and the world revolves around her.

 

What’s the difference between a soprano and the PLO?

You can negotiate with the PLO.

 

How do you know when an alto is at the door?

She can’t find her key.

 

If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them from end to end . . . it would be a good idea.

 

What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean?

A start.

 

What’s the difference between a bull and an orchestra?

The bull has the horns in front and the ass in back.

 

What has 32 feet and an IQ of 83?

A flag corps.

 

Why do bagpipers walk while they play?

To get away from the noise.

 

How do you get a guitar player to play softer?

Give him a sheet of music.

 

What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?

When you plug them in they both suck.

 

Told to turn on his amp, the guitar player stroked his guitar while saying “I love you.”

 

“Hey, buddy, how late does the band play?” “Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer.”

 

We know a guy who was so dumb his music teacher gave him two sticks and made him a drummer,

but he lost one and became a conductor.

 

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

Homeless.